I heard GOP Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas in a serious interview define "unitary executive" as meaning we only have one president. DUH! And his name comes up as a presidential possibility! What a joker (only he wasn't joking).
From Newsweek's Periscope:"Right now, I wouldn't vote Democratic if Jesus Christ was running." Judy Deats, a Texas Republican, who is standing by Rep. Tom DeLay in his re-election bid despite the fact that his association with lobbyist Jack Abramoff has made him vulnerable to political opposition for the first time in more than 20 years.I'm glad she realizes that Jesus would be a Democrat.
From Sam Seder on Air America Radio: Alito said the constitution is a hologram and if you hold it just the right way, it allows Bush to break the law.
And one from Tree:"In a recent poll, 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job of handling the war in Iraq. The other 34% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church." - Tina Fey
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness. - Steve Martin
What's the difference between Vietnam and Iraq?
Bush knew how to get out of Vietnam.
STATE OF THE UNION CONTEST
1. During Bush's 2006 State of the Union address, how many seconds will elapse before he brings up 9/11?
2. And how many times will he use the words "terror" and "terrorists" and "terrorism"?
"Terror" variations: 20
Time elapsed before 9/11 invoked: 3:32
"It just drives me nuts that these guys have stolen "values", when they’re corrupt, dishonest, greedy. They hire people by cronyism. They hijack religion and Jesus, when Jesus talked about helping the poor. As I always say, if you cut out every passage in the New Testament where Jesus talks about helping the poor, or helping the least among us – if you cut out each one of those passages, you’d have the perfect box to smuggle Rush Limbaugh’s drugs." - Al Franken
News you may have missed
New Study Shows Freedom Really Isn't Free
Actual costs closer to $10 trillion over 10 years
Bipartisan Statement Affirms "Slight Preference" for Poor People Not Dying
"All things being equal," said Reid, flanked by Frist and Santorum, "we'd just as soon they stayed alive."
New Food Stamp Rules Allow for Christian Music Purchases
"Wholesome food for the soul" acceptable; alcohol, tobacco, music with swear words off-limits
Renewed Concern over Sanctity of Marriage to Coincide With Midterms
"Oh, is there an election this year?" says GOP. "We're too busy protecting sacred institutions to keep track."
EPA Headquarters Sold to Condo Developers
White House promises to use proceeds for initiatives to promote "the environment, tax relief, and national security."
Anti-immigrant Minutemen groups seek better image
Will now only use Nerf guns in vigilante border patrols
Religious Right admits 'war on Christians' a typo
"We still just meant 'war on Christmas,' sorry everyone"
George Bush -- A Saint
January 8th, 2006
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington as part of his campaign. Karl Rove made an advance visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like. We'll gladly make a $100,000 contribution to the church if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."
The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds so I will agree to do it."Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug, and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily:"George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.' He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known. But, compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."
Senator GOP Rick Santorum: "And yet we have brave men and women who are willing to step forward because they know what's at stake. They're willing to sacrifice their lives for this great country. What I'm asking all of you tonight is not to put on a uniform. Put on a (Santorum) bumper sticker. Is it that much to ask? Is it that much to ask to step up and serve your country?" And he wasn't joking, either.
Revenge from beyond the grave:
Published in the Chicago Tribune on 10/10/2005:
Theodore Roosevelt Heller
Theodore Roosevelt Heller, 88, loving father of Charles (Joann) Heller; dear brother of the late Sonya (the late Jack) Steinberg. Ted was discharged from the U.S. Army during WWII due to service related injuries, and then forced his way back into the Illinois National Guard insisting no one tells him when to serve his country. Graveside services Tuesday 11 a.m. at Waldheim Jewish Cemetery (Ziditshover section), 1700 S. Harlem Ave., Chicago. In lieu of flowers, please send acerbic letters to Republicans. Arrangements by Chicago Jewish Funerals, Douglas MacIsaac, funeral director...
If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers
WILL DURST FINDS THE BRIGHT SIDE TO XENOPHOBIC GENOCIDE
• Baghdad University fraternity expulsions way down.
• Six billion a month we won't be wasting on pork barrel politics.
• Advances in battlefield medical procedures destined to benefit all of mankind.
• Due to their renewed dedication to killing each other, the Sunnis and Shiites seem much less interested in targeting Americans these days.
• VFW membership rolls are a bull market.
• Grisly footage of dead in Iraq diverting attention from that whole Jack Abramoff thing.
• Every single car bomb explosion means another opportunity for Detroit fleet sales.
• Where tomorrow's stars of the Cadaver Dog World get first class training today.
• Senseless secular violence has obviously intensified the hold of the truce in Northern Ireland.
• There's a Burning Man Festival every day of the week.
• When you’re thinking organ donor heaven, we're talking Iraq.
• Hey, it could be worse. There could be leeches.
• And the final piece of good news coming out of the Iraq...spring has sprung.
Will Durst is a political comic/ syndicated columnist/ AM radio talk show host/ burden to his family.
Top Ten Reasons Dick Cheney Won't Resign...
10. Trying to fix up Condi Rice with his daughter
9. Turns out when you shoot somebody, if you're not vice president, you gotta do time
8. Bush leaves at two every day and then it's margaritas and Fritos
7. Set the solitare high score on his office computer
6. Wants to see if he can help Bush get his approval rating under ten
5. Too hard to give up Vice Presidential Discount at D.C. area Sam Goody stores
4. Wants to stay on the job until every country in the world hates us
3. Extra-zappy White House defibrillators
2. Undisclosed location has foosball and whores
1. Why quit when things are going so well?
---Late Show with David Letterman
You Know You Are Still a Republican If ...
You are more upset about Brokeback Mountain than Abu Ghraib.
You can’t stand Hilary Clinton’s hair but you have no problem with Tom DeLay’s.
You think Global Warming is no big deal but environmentalists are a major problem.
You support the "war on drugs" but think Rush Limbaugh is being prosecuted unfairly.
You think professional athletes make too much money but Sam Walton’s kids deserve everything they have.
You like the way George Bush walks.
You think Al Gore is "wooden" and Donald Rumsfeld has charisma.
You think CNN is biased but Fox News is neutral.
You like the sound of Newt Gingrich’s voice.
You are sure the United States has the best education and health care systems in the world.
You think Dick Cheney is a straight shooter.
You think Michael Chertoff’s beard makes him look distinguished.
You think the problem with our health care system is lawyers.
You think it was more important to locate Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress than to locate weapons of mass destruction.
You don’t believe "terrorism" has made Rudy Giuliani an incredibly rich man.
You believe freedom of speech covers everything Pat Robertson says and does, but burning a flag should be illegal.
You can be in the same room with Brit Hume.
You have yourself convinced that the country and world are better off now than 5 years ago.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq, Iran, and Syria.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all humanity with no regulation whatsoever.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need and deserve our prayers for your recovery.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Poetry time:
An Ode to Richard M. Nixon (obviously, we can read it for George W. Bush)
by Joseph K. Horn (with apologies to Rudyard Kipling)
If you can keep your wealth when all about you
Are losing theirs from paying income tax;
If you can make quite sure that no one doubts you
By selling to the networks your own “facts”;
If you can reap the harvest that is waiting
For those who fight both sides of one same war;
If you spend hours televised, debating
For bussing and for “welfare” for the “poor”;
If you can trade with Reds, and all the while
Be charging what they owe to our own banks;
If you can have us lose a war, then smile,
Because you know you’re only getting thanks;
If you can hold an office, but each minute
Be out afloat, and calmly goin’ fishin’,
The U.S.A. is yours, and all that’s in it,
Because, my son, you’ll be a politician.
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